What’s REALLY Behind Kids’ Misbehavior? – Connected Families.
Worth a read! Sometimes as parents, we feel satisfied to just deal with the situation and move on. Raising a child is about much more than dealing with inconveniences, it’s about training a child in wisdom!
A big difference between effective and ineffective parenting lies in the word ‘persistence.’
My three children were playing with cards contentedly at the dinner table when out of nowhere my oldest starts crying. Now sometimes, when she cries, I dismiss it as an episode of ‘crying wolf.’ This situation was a bit different. Perhaps she could have cried less and maybe she exaggerated a bit, but the tears were genuine. I quickly found out that my two year old full out punched her older sister in the nose. Now she’s a little tike so a full punch for her isn’t too bad.
[Feel free to debate my chosen approach, but remember the main goal here is persistence.]
My littlest cutie, Selah
Sometimes I don’t want to deal with one more fight at home, but then there are times when I remember why an engaged parent is so critical to raising children. When one of my children does something wrong I have them make a statement of what they did wrong and have them ask forgiveness. Now at two years old this needs to be very simplified. So with her I required her to say, “I will not hit.” (In retrospect, this may have been too many words as she’s not quite putting full sentences together quite yet.) However, she refused to say anything and I could see in her little heart a stubbornness that refused to feel remorse. So when my children aren’t being cooperative they go to sit on the stairs to have a little break until they’re ready.
Here is where persistence comes in. She knew she had to go to the stairs, but wouldn’t let me take her. She trotted over there by herself and plopped herself down. After a few seconds she came back and I asked her if she was ready to say, “I will not hit.” She was not so I sent her back to her spot. She willingly trotted back and then a little later came back, but she again was not ready to make her statement. Cute right? However, this happened at least five times, but I’m thinking about eight times. This gets a little frustrating and the temptation is to just give up and move on. Giving up would have significant consequences down the road. Each time you make an expectation of your child, then fail to follow through, it becomes far more difficult in the future. So persist! Persist until the job is done, an expression of remorse is made and relationships are restored.
I did (thankfully!) persist. And it did pay off. She eventually said, “Not hit.” Then our next step is asking forgiveness. For my littlest, this will take some more time to develop, so for now, saying, “Sorry,” and giving a hug is sufficient for me.
So why persist? Because if I didn’t I would have missed out on seeing my children be restored in their relationship, my littlest would have learned that it’s ok to hit and both my girls would have sustained a small little scar in their lifetime relationship. And most, importantly, I would have missed a moment in time to teach my children that when relationships are broken, they can be restored. Doing this leaves a little hint in our home that, apart from Jesus, relationships could never be fully healed.
Persistence leads little ones to Jesus!
Babies help unlock the origins of morality – CBS News.
Do babies have an innate sense of right and wrong, justice and desire for punishment, bias towards others who are like them and against those who are not like them, greed for personal gain at the expense of others?
Evolutionary thinking and theological preferences aside, this little video is fascinating. It shows that while these pieces of morality seem to be there from early on, the familial and cultural influences can ultimately shape how those values are embraced or reinforced.
6 ways to get kids to do housework – Kidspot Australia.
Thinking with my wife about our kids and chores led me to this link. Make responsibility fun as well as required.
I’m attaching here a project I worked on for my seminary class: Ministering to Families. It is essentially a walk through of a system for mentoring families that promotes relational restoration. The principles are based on the story of the Gospel as the best plan not only for a restored relationship with God, but also restored relationships with each other. It is inspired by my previous post entitled: The Life Rhythm You MUST Groove To.
Click here for the pdf: Gospel Saturated Families Project
Wikipedia Image
How a child develops is a complex wonder. There are so many variables like family history, environment, peers, location and more that play a special role in the formation of a child. Here are three factors you can zone in on and leverage as you train up children to be fantastic citizens and faithful followers of Jesus.
Motor Development
I was intrigued recently with the motor development section of Laura Berk’s book entitled, Development Across the Lifespan, as I am running a games event at my church over March break. It’s been a memorable event that uses a lot of gross-motor skills along with some fine-motor. A few quotes caught my attention:
“[Games with rules]…contribute greatly to emotional and social development.” (296)
“[Child invented games]…permit children to try out different styles of cooperating, competing, winning and losing with little personal risk.” (296)
“…these experiences help children construct more mature concepts of fairness and justice.” (296)
There seems to be a bit of a debate over competition and cooperation in games. I’ve particularly noticed two different approaches from the camps of Group Publishing (Thom and Joani Schultz) and Roger Fields (of Kidz Blitz). On one side, there seem to be the people that avoid competition saying it can hurt self-esteem or cause hurt feelings or create the undesirable feel of winners and losers. On the other side, I find people who would say competition is helpful for building up confidence and that positive attitudes and character development can be learned whether a winner or a loser. I would tend to lean towards a good mix of both. I think a child should not be crushed emotionally because they lost a game, but also that they ought to be taught how to handle difficulties with a right attitude. I also find the connection to justice very intriguing as it seems the evangelical world is talking a lot about social justice these days. I’m feeling some teaching points coming on for the games event! And not only that, but giving kids opportunities to use their bodies promotes healthy living.
The book called Parenting Beyond Your Capacity has a chapter discussing family rhythms. Every family has a rhythm, but not all rhythms are deliberate and strategic. Not all families have a plan, but every family settles into patterns, habits and rhythms that shape their lives together. I want to have a family that doesn’t drift off into eternity, but one which paces itself with planned persistence. Part of the plan includes training and specific habits to guide our growth and journey together. The following is not a complete list, but just some standouts that the Bourque family tries to hold to:
I’ve been thinking about my use of consequences as I parent and lead children. Consequences are a powerful motivator for making right choices and avoiding the wrong. So they are needed for guiding children.
However, there is a word of caution for relying solely on consequences. Relying on them is merely behaviour modification. This is actually damaging because simply changing behaviour is self-reliant and exterior. As parents who believe in and follow Jesus we know that we cannot save ourselves or grow our character apart from his redeeming and sanctifying work. We are not self-reliant, but Christ-reliant. And the way Christ works is by transforming the heart not putting a vain polish on our appearance.
We reap what we sow. If you plant a fern you will grow a fern. Likewise, if you sow anger you will reap anger. So as parents we can help children recognize the implications of their choices with appropriate consequences.
Tedd and Margy Tripp have written a book called Instructing a Child’s Heart. In it, I came across a quote that provides a solid distinction between the worldly approach to parenting called behaviour modification and the Godly approach they call biblical correction. They write,
“We do not depend on consequences to alter behavior. We want to train the heart of the child. In behavior modification, consequences are the means of shaping or manipulating behavior. In biblical correction and discipline, consequences are a means of demonstrating, in a sensory way, the importance of the spiritual consequences that are accruing in relationship to God, to others and to ourselves.”
Therefore, communication is vital for parenting. We can’t slap down consequences and expect children to turn out right. We have to do the hard work of explaining what Christ wants to accomplish in our hearts. The consequences are a way to help make that conversation happen.
How to help your children develop 8 character qualities that will make them healthy adults. (6:23).
Henry Cloud and John Townsend have been helping me with my parenting. This six minute video will give you a great framework and overall picture of how you want your kids to be when they are adults. As parents, we are responsible for how we train up our kids either intentionally or by accident. Don’t let it happen by accident, but develop your game-plan and then get in the game!
Boundaries with Kids is an excellent book they’ve written along with Raising Great Kids.
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